Redefining my expectations

I had an epiphany at the gym yesterday... the expectations I had set for my workout were not yesterday's reality.

That's how it's been lately. I set goals, visualize success, do really well for a day or two, and then reality sets in. Injuries flare up. The schedule doesn't work. Emotional issues take their toll. The list could go on and on. And I feel guilty because I haven't met my personal expectations.

I asked my husband why he always seemed so happy, and didn't seem to worry about those issues. He jokingly replied "I set low expectations. Nothing to disappoint." Although it was a joke, I think he has a point. It's one thing to set goals. However, they should be realistic goals, and I haven't done that. Mine have been set as if my body were perfectly healthy, I didn't have a family to care for, or have depression issues.

I realized that I need to be grateful for the one or two good days I have each week- "do my best and forget the rest" as Tony Horton says. Or, even better, as President Hinckley has advised "Do your best. Then go and do a little better." Some days will be better than others. Some days I'll feel better than others. I need to stop getting hung up on the bad days. Focus on the good ones, and remember to look back and see the progress I've made to this point.

Random thoughts

• Exercise is at times overwhelming, exhausting, painful, and a real pain in the arse. And I force myself to continue because not doing it makes my entire life overwhelming, exhausting, painful and... you get the idea. One hour everyday is a good tradeoff to get my life back.
• I told my husband again today that I quit. Everything. (Why does he always just laugh when I say that?)
• I didn't really quit. Again.
• My daughter decided after 3 days of school that she wished it were summer again. When questioned, she said that, although she was excited the first and second day, she quickly realized that she would have to work hard in 5th grade. "Why can't I just grow up to be lazy?" She asked. Of course, I gave her the "Good Mother" answer of "Well, Heavenly Father put us here on earth to help us learn how to work hard." In my head, the "Bad Mother" voice was screaming "Seriously! She's right! That's what I want, too!"
• This week has been a week of comfort foods. Eating something grilled, steamed, or poached just sounds revolting. Hormonal? Or just caving to bad habits?

If it's easy, it Ain't worth it!

On Sunday, one of the speakers said something very insightful that I have been thinking about all week long in relation to exercise/fitness/healthy eating.  She was referring to living the gospel when she said "The world would have us believe that anything worth having is easy and immediate to achieve.  That is not what the gospel teaches us."  Oh, how I wish the cupcakes I made for RS last night didn't call my name so loudly all day that I finally gave them to a friend, but alas, learning how to eat healthy is one of those things that is NOT easy and immediate for me.  It is a learning curve.  I have thoughts along these same lines anytime I step onto the treadmill or elliptical at the gym.  And especially when I'm pushing failure with my weight routine.  I take comfort in the "hope" that I am taking baby steps forward every day that I attempt to stay active and healthy.  

Confessions

It has been more than a month since my last post.  In my personal journaling, I have noticed that I have a habit of apologizing often in my diaries that "it has been awhile."  Although I had hoped this site would be different, I confess it has not.  

In truth,  I haven't posted for one reason:  I have been feeling guilty.  For oh, so many things.  (There are far TOO many to name here... you'd still be reading my list next month!)  I really debated with myself over whether or not I even wanted to continue posting here.  I am going to try to continue.  Here is why:

I have depression.  Exercise helps me manage my depression.  Talking about it helps me manage my depression.  Trying to not include depression as I blog about exercise is exhausting for me... simply because, in my case, they are inter-connected.  

Although I have made it to the gym as often as before the Holidays, it has been a real challenge for me.  My friends here always ask me for nutrition/diet advice, and lately I have felt like a total hypocrite.  Not because I don't believe in the principals they ask me to explain, but because I have had a hard time living them.  

ButNotUnHappy reminded me of two things:  why we have the gospel to help us, and, for us Sisters, the Relief Society, and why it is important to share our burdens when she said:  

My personal solution? Just start admitting your flaws--the real ones, not just the cute quirky ones--when you make a comment. When one person gets real the rest seem to follow. I have to say, though, I'm not the first woman in our ward to do this. There are a couple sisters out there who really open themselves up and put themselves out there and I love it. (Nancy, Verna, De--you are ladies I so admire!) It is only when we are real with each other that I come close to understanding what the concept of Zion is all about.

So, here are some thoughts that run through my mind like the energizer bunny:

1.  How closely related are my hormonal cycle and the depressive cycle I am currently experiencing?  (I am just finishing my first 3 months with a 4 day period  trial run my Gyno has me on to control endometriosis.  He thinks part of my depression could be caused by "hormone bounces..."  Maybe my body is reacting to not having had a period for that long, and will calm down when I get acclimatized.

2.  I have my second opinion with a USC neurologist this week to (hopefully) discount epilepsy. Does that have anything to do with my moods?

3.  Why the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is it so hard for me to do what I KNOW is right?  Eating healthy= feeling good.  Eating crappy= feeling crappy.  Not a hard equation.  Yet, once I fall off the wagon, it's tough to get back on.  I am a true food addict.  I guess that is one of my "favorite sins" that I need to work on.  

4.  I have finally learned to love exercise, but my knees/hips aren't going with the program.  This is the conversation  I envision my body has each time I step into the gym:

Heart:  Great!  I am pumped to get going!

Legs:  Ohhh man!  What the H is she doing to me!  

Hips:  Creak, creak, creak. 

Lungs:  Faster, faster!  I've got plenty more to give!

Brain:  Here come the endorphins!

Legs:  kill me now!  Kill me now!

Hips:  creak, creak, creak.

OK.  corny.  But, I've never been the "hippest" of girls.  Ha. ha.  

5.  I will be the first to admit that my life is good.  I have absolutely no reason to be depressed.  It frustrates me that I am.  Overwhelmed.  Anxious.  Panicky.  

I am not an expert in anything that I write here.  I am just me, trying my best to be better.  There are two blogs that I will add to my sidebar that I read regularly.  They have helped me, maybe they will help you too.  Depressed (but not unhappy) Mormon Mommy 

 and The Great Fitness Experiment

A Hot Shower

One of my most favorite things as a human is the feeling I get standing in the shower, washing the goop, gunk, and stink off after a good workout.  I thought about this concept and how it relates to repentance.  Each Sunday, we have the opportunity to "wash" our spirit-selves clean from the goop, gunk, and stink of mortal life.  I have to ask myself if I take this occasion seriously every week.  I know how my body feels after sickness, or several days of hard labor, or a camping trip, with no chance of a hot shower.  Is that not similar to what my spirit feels if I have been remiss in performing my "Sunday hygiene?"   

Exercising Gospel Principles #4

Some notes and thoughts from Sunday School this week:  

We were studying Moroni Chapter 7, talking about how Faith, Hope, and Charity lead us to Christ.  The question was asked:  What does it mean to be humble?  

These are my notes:  

Being humble-means being in a place mentally/emotionally where you are ready to change.  To Make things different and better.  You are more open to inspiration in these stages, and ready to ACT, DO, and LIVE gospel principles.  To sacrifice your sins to be a better person.  

This week in between Christmas and the New Year is, for me, one of those stages.  I always feel overstuffed and overdone after Christmas, and am so ready for the New Year, and the changes that it brings.  I am ready to hit the gym again regularly.  Eat the way I should.  Give up my sins, (read: chocolate and any and all baked goodies that I simply have no will-power over).  In short, I feel ready to ACT, DO, and LIVE.  

At least for today...

Music and Fitness #2

Hey all! I'm back from my hiatus to give you my newest playlist! Yup, I admit it... I am a HUGE Twilight fan!  I downloaded the album after I saw the movie, and I've listened to it almost exclusively for 2 weeks now.  It's got great beats and good lyrics... songs you can really move to! Burning fat is all about the intensity of your exercise, and using great workout music is the easiest way to boost your intensity.  

Workoutmuse Fatloss Tip #1: Boost Intensity With Workout Music

"Intensity is truly the only thing that makes your body change! Intensity is the key to ripping off ugly, unwanted body fat and gaining lean, sexy muscle.  Even as far back as 1994 in the Metabolism Journal researchers discovered that each calorie you expend during high-intensity exercise burns 9 times more fat than the same calorie expended during steady state aerobic exercise! Here's how high intensity exercise works:

It rapidly reducing muscle glycogen (stored sugar) during training which promotes enhanced total body fat-burning at all other times of day.

It burns a TON of calories both during AND after exercise. This phenomenon is due to the post-workout “AFTERBURN” know as EPOC which describes the number of calories your body expends in the recovery of your metabolism back to pre-exercise levels from high-intensity training. The best part about EPOC is that you control it, meaning that the harder you work during training the more calories your body will burn BOTH during your workout AND for up to 24-48 hours after completing your workout!

It puts your body in a “fight or flight” mode that forces your body to CHANGE as a means of survival. More specifically, your body releases catecholamines (primarily adrenaline) in response to interval training that directly mobilizes stored body fat so that it can be burnt off as energy during activity."

One of the best ways to boost intensity is with workout music that helps you do this automatically so you just play, workout, and burn fat.

My Twilight Playlist:

Supermassive Black Hole 3:30 Muse
Decode 4:22 Paramore
Full Moon 3:50 The Black Ghosts
Leave Out All the Rest 3:20 Linkin Park
Spotlight (Twilight Mix) 3:21 Mutemath
Go All the Way (Into the Twilight) 3:27 Perry Farrell
Tremble for My Beloved 3:53 Collective Soul
I Caught Myself 3:55 Paramore
Eyes On Fire 5:01 Blue Foundation
Never Think 4:30 Rob Pattinson
Flightless Bird, American Mouth 4:01 Iron & Wine
Bella's Lullaby 2:20 Carter Burwell
Let Me Sign (Bonus Track) 2:18 Rob Pattinson
La Traviata (Bonus Track) 3:05 The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
Clair de Lune (Bonus Track) 5:59 The APM Orchestra